Tenderness is greater proof of love than the most passionate of vows.I LOVE writing poetry. And I hate it. Creating, or re-creating, an emotion with words is exhilarating and nerve-wracking; it makes me feel empowered and vulnerable all at the same time. What a strange art form!
—Marlene Dietrich
This is a 2nd draft of a poem I wrote a few weeks ago, mostly inspired by the Marlene Dietrich quote above. So basically you're seeing it as it came out of my head and heart, with only a few tweaks. I've labeled this post as a WritingWorkshop because I would love your feedback, if you have any. The poem is currently untitled, simply because I have yet to find a title I like. ["Love Poem" was the title of the first draft, but I think that's too heavy handed. Besides, every time I think of that title, I start singing the song: "I'm not going to write you a love song..."] So, here it is, in all it's untitled nakedness:
You spread a blanket for me, asleep
on the couch. Not the one
I would have chosen,
pale blue and coarse,—
but you tucked it so gently
around my shoulders
and over my toes.
So when I woke, I lingered,
quiet and still,
wrapped in softness.
--Susan Baxter
I have three things to say.
ReplyDelete1. Empowered and vulnerable at the same time: you would make a good choir conductor if you've got that down! No joke.
2. Rather than the Sara Bareillis song, I start singing John Mayer: "Love Song for No One."
3. Your poem. I like it. A lot. Possibly I would have more workshop ideas later. Possibly not, because it's great. My only suggestion is I would lose the word "so" on the third to last line.
Okay, four things.
4. I like your blog.
Susan! You have a blog. And I am going to blog-stalk you. Bwahahaha.
ReplyDeleteLove the poem. And since giving unqualified feedback on writing is one of my favorite things:
Perfect moment to describe. And I love that you note that it is not the blanket the speaker would have chosen. Nice touch. Makes it a real relationship.
I agree with your friend Kiersten. I'd lose the word "so."
And maybe play with the phrase "spread a blanket" you might run into something better. But it is fine how it is.
What about the title "Warm"?
ReplyDeleteYay for comments! Thanks guys!
ReplyDeleteK: I don't know that song, but my new mission is to hear it. I think it may be my new anthem!
B: I would love to be blog-stalked by you! I also love your use of the word "unqualified"--meaning both without limit and also lacking expertise. Deliciously ambiguous usage! Also, thanks for using "the speaker." I'd forgotten that little workshop "rule." It helped remind me to divorce myself from my poem's speaker. Thanks!
K&B: you're SO right, that "so" sooo has to go!
C: I really like where you're going with that title. I'm not convinced that "it"--but it's CLOSE!! Thanks!
--Susan
I suggested warm because of the blanket obviously, but also because how those first sproutings of love make you feel, or even if its not that kind of love, just knowing someone cares about you fills you with a certain kind of warmth. I don't know if that tells you where i was going with that and helps you on the path that is the quest to title your poem.
ReplyDeleteSusan,
ReplyDeleteWhat a talent :)!
I would have to disagree with the whole "ditching the so" idea. I like it. I think it adds the perfect touch and is critical to the feeling/meaning of the last sentence. Don't change a thing.
I like how you describe being wrapped in softness at the end. I think it describes not only the actual, physical blanket around you, but the act of tenderness in the wrapping of it around you. Maybe "softness" or "tenderness"?
I'm not one for interpreting abstract art, such as poems. But, your poem almost sounds like a dream to me. And I know this may sound weird but as I read it, I thought about those nature sound bites (of the ocean, wind, etc). Hmm...I think I should read it again and see how it sits with me. I hope you are keeping a folder or notebook of some sorts to build your collection and prepare for publishing one day. All the great writers keep some kind of notebook...so I've hard ;)
ReplyDeletePS: "propinquity" ... I like this word. I could be saying it wrong. But nonetheless, I like this addend to the list.
Chiara--thanks for sharing your thoughts with "warm." I like it...though I'm leaning toward the noun form--warmth. Or maybe Softness (or some variation thereof). We'll see.
ReplyDeleteEm--thanks for your input! I have to ask...which Em are you? (I can think of three possibilities offhand...) :-)
Gail--I smile to think that the words feel dream-like to you. How cool that you notice the sense/feeling/sound of the words!! And, it's pronounced pro-PINK-wa-tee.
First, I love the moment you've captured. Very nice! A great sensory image.
ReplyDeleteHere are my quick thoughts on a Monday morning:
I agree with other bloggers that the word 'so' could be taken out. You may consider using the word 'that' and deleting the period after toes to make it one sentence. That is a long sentence, but it does sustain the transition from sleep to awareness. Of course you could also take 'so' out and just start with 'When.'
My other thought has to do with the words 'coarse' and 'softness.' I love the contrast. While initially described as coarse, the tender experience transforms the blanket for the speaker into something much softer. The word describes both the blanket and the relationship/experience well. If you intended this transformation then don't change the word softness.
I'm also glad you aren't in love with your original title. It is too good a poem - I'd like to see a title with a dual meaning - both literal and figurative.
This is great! Keep it coming and I'll come too!